Press Liqui-Gel for Rapid Release*
Press Liqui-Gel for Rapid Release*
AUSTIN, PA- UT Austin student Paul Benefiel, Patient Zero of the great PAC outbreak of 2012, and Remy Maisel of Penn State have agreed to overlook the long-running volleyball rivalry between Penn State and UT Austin that neither was aware of in order to partner up and claim second prize in the Colbert Super Fun Pack challenge: the 2012 presidential election. They use the word “partner” in the job-createy, businessy sense, like God intended, not in the gay sense. Never that.
Mr. Benefiel and Ms. Maisel tossed a coin to determine whose name would be listed first in the rest of this press release. Mr. Benefiel won, but, in what will likely go down in history as the biggest judicial upset of the year, the decision was overturned on the grounds that Ms. Maisel edited this last.
Penn Staters for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow and Texans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow will go together where dozens of PACs have gone before. And we’re on our way there already, wherever it is. We’ve had conference calls, once we remembered that Texas and Pennsylvania are in different time zones, which, Ms. Maisel would like noted, she did first. We’ve wondered whether we were breaking the law just by having some of the conversations we had, but, it turns out, all’s fair in love and election-buying. We’re even going to produce things. Things that will tell you just how much we love our super PACs. Things that come straight from the gut.
Things like this:
“First, we’ve got the premise that money equals speech. We accept that as truth, because the Supreme Court is only wrong on the days Justice Roberts takes his epilepsy medication, which he definitely didn’t do when they wrote the Citizens United decision. So that means the individuals who donate $5, $10, $50 to a campaign, they’re just voicing their support,” quoth Ms. Maisel. “But when super PACs and the people who bankroll them are talking, they’re standing on the table with bullhorns and screaming loudly enough to drown out the $5 whispers from down below. Well, that looks like much more fun. Make room; we’re coming up.”
Ms. Maisel somehow forgot to ask Mr. Benefiel if he’d like to quoth anything as soon as she found out that UT Austin eventually did beat Penn State at volleyball. Weird.
We’d love to hear from you! Questions and complaints can be directed to:
Mitt Romney for President 2012
c/o Rafalca Romney
585 Commercial Street
Boston, MA 02109
We’re not coordinating or anything; we just share a warmblood for tax reasons.
You may direct compliments to Remy Maisel at email@example.com.
PSFBTT and TFBTT are currently accepting donations.
*For the temporary relief of PAC-related anxiety, nausea, and Gob Bluth syndrome-the sinking feeling that the Supreme Court has just made a huge mistake. If discomfort persists, seek immediate attention from the FEC.
Check back at 3pm for our press release
The PSFBTT announcement is email-only until we send the press release to the media tomorrow. Then it will be public.
Penn Staters for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow is emailing out a big announcement right now.
It’s big. It’s exciting.
Members of Penn Staters for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow: be sure you’re on our email list so you don’t miss a big announcement soon!
“Stephen Colbert’s political action committee has enough cash to play jokes and pull pranks through the presidential campaign, but for now the comedian is mum on how he plans to spend that money.
Colbert’s Super PAC, Americans for A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow has $794,000 cash-on-hand sitting untouched in its coffers, according to March documents filed with the Federal Election Commission, making it wealthier than some PAC’s intended to back (legitimate!) presidential candidates.”
Haha, revolutionary my ass; you go Colbert! Although simply getting money wasn’t the point (exposing the danger of SuperPACs was), i’m sure he’ll put it to good use.
This is fantastic.
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